Happy Christmas

Happy Christmas from New York! It has been an eventful eleven days, but so oh-my-gosh wonderful. First things first, never, never underestimate the beautiful gesture of "a leg up." Figuratively speaking, and coming from a horse-riding family, if you've ever tried to get on a larger horse, you ask someone to give you a helping hand, a boost, as one might say, making it easier to tackle the task at hand. We've been so grateful for the kindness, and spare room, of our oh-so-cool family while we're looking for a place. The leg up has been absolutely priceless; we hope to pass this helping hand along many, many times in the future--it is the very least we can do.

We're learning as we go, living and learning, or as The Love I now call home says in Arabic, eish ew shoof. Navigating the city, exploring the DMV, and realizing that walking distance quickly becomes a relative term and that a scarf is a priceless piece of clothing. I am also quickly realizing something about human interaction. Often times, we set the tone of an interaction. We've met some of the most pleasant people here, (along with a few rude ones, I'll admit) but it has left me pondering how much of the stereotypical rudeness is often just a response to our own tone set by our preconceived ideas. I was reminded of our month in France and the genuine niceness we encountered there, opposite of those rude French stereotype. I have to ask myself, "How much of peoples' interaction with me is in my control?" It is truly worth the ponder.

Last, but certainly not least, there was my Christmas Eve Mall Lockdown Extravaganza. The shortened version of the saga:  the commotion behind me ended up being hundreds of frantic people running towards the Bux kiosk screaming "shooter!" As I quickly made my way to the American Eagle stock room, surrounded by panicked people, I realized the only thing I wanted to do was to make a phone call to that girl I love to tell her again, that I loved her. Her voice immediately brought a peace to my soul that is indescribable. Twenty minutes and the all clear came. Gratefully, a false alarm. A clumsy shoplifter, four over zealous security guards, and a broken glass in the Macy's storefront had set off the panic, but I realized afresh and anew how precious life is and how much I adore the Love of my life. Words fail me sometimes.

Anyway we look at it, life is a complicated adventure. Life can certainly change within a split second, making the moments spent with those we love all the more cherished. Those long twenty minutes, made me also rediscover my intense passion for peace. Believing there was an actual shooter, I contemplated the inner turmoil of someone in such a state of desperation and disillusionment. Who would take the lives of random, innocent people on Christmas Eve? Again, gratefully, it was a false alarm, but in today's world, it very easily could have been. World peace comes from individual inner peace. Each human interaction of peace produces moments of peace within the fabric of society. May we make a more concentrated effort to become agents of peace in the upcoming year.

Fare thee well, Louisville

We are here! I am so excited to begin this new chapter with this Love I now call home! It seems that I have unknowingly underestimated the sheer enjoyment that comes from having someone in which to share life's adventures. My bad; I stand corrected. I must be the luckiest person in the world.
Wow. Having only planned to stay in Louisville for six months or so when I moved back in 1997, I'd say it was certainly time. Not being overly thrilled about the idea of moving back to Louisville (sorry!), I'll admit that it took me a bit to warm up to the place. I loved and missed my family and they were here, so that was my starting point. The next sixteen years were full of many events. Some expected, but many, many unexpected events along the way. Some were beautiful, some were heart-wrenching, and some were absolutely life-changing. I lost a job that I thought I'd keep forever (but this took me on a life-changing, magnificent soul search!), I saw two beautiful nephews begin life and add immeasurable joy to our family, and I found the Love I now call home, or rather she found me. I traveled often, and I (finally) received my degree, a life-long goal. I also found myself; oddly enough, I hadn't even realized that I was missing, but I most certainly was.

So, I'll hold Louisville as a special place, and I'm sincerely grateful to have met each and every one of you along the way. Yes, even those who have produced some of those heart-wrenching events! I could not have always said that, but I've come to see that every encounter taught me something about myself, life, love, kindness, and humanity in general, so for that, I am grateful.

I'd thought I'd leave you with a few parting suggestions as I go:

1. Relax in the moment. No, I really mean it. Just relax in the moment.
2. Get involved in an organization that is creating dialogue in the community. I suggest KFTC-Kentuckians for the Commonwealth, but if this isn't your cup of tea then find one that fits.
3. Go to WorldFest in the Fall. It is a wonderful display of this community's international beauty--I don't care if it's hot or rainy, go and show your support. I'll truly miss going.
4. Make an effort to get to know people--especially those who have different opinions/beliefs/lives/cultures from you. As Brown Pop always says, "It's not wrong, it's just different." We all have much more in common than we realize. (...and we'd all be better people if we followed Brown Pop's example.)
5. Read Thich Nhat Hanh's book, Good Citizens. 
6. Eat at Yaffa Cafe on 4th and Broadway. You can will most definitely thank me later.
7. Be kind. I believe it was Mother Teresea who said, "I prefer to make mistakes in kindness than to work miracles in unkindness."

Finally, find your peace. My peace and happiness might not suit you, but it is a most wonderful, joyous, fulfilled place to me. Be happy. Keep in touch. I'll miss you.

Peace with me--peace to you.

I always get a bit sappy and thought-ful this time of year. I admit it. You know, it took some time to come to terms with myself. Years actually. After I allowed myself to be at peace with me, it has taken me some time to come to terms with the fact that some people now see me in a somewhat tainted light. I knew it would happen, I warned myself to prepare for it, so I wasn't surprised, but still, it disappoints me--and if I'm honest--hurts a bit to think of it.

I have no real reason to be shocked by this for I've spent more years than I care to remember standing in judgment of others. Others' choices, others' hardships, others' viewpoints, others' journeys, others' lives. Of course, I didn't call it judgment, but strip away the niceties and that's what it was. Actually, my judgmental attitude only became clear to me as I allowed myself to be at peace with me. Almost as if I had used my judgment of others to make myself feel better about myself--it was my defense mechanism.

 Of course I still catch myself in judgment, much to my shame, but I am deeply aware of this human tendency within me. I am deeply aware of my own flaws that make me lash out at someone else's journey. I am also deeply familiar with the pointing of fingers while desperately trying to hold my own life together, hoping no one notices the look of panic behind my eyes. I lived much of my life in just such a state; exchanging this for true empathy and compassion is how I wish to live out the rest of my days.

I wish we could all learn to cut ourselves and each other a little slack--no, a lot of slack. We often act like this life is a competition, but we don't stop to consider that we are all connected. All of us--whether we like it or not. There really is no them in this thing called life. Whether we live in New York, Louisville, Baghdad (the one in Kentucky or Iraq!) or Beijing, our choices and paths aren't always clearly marked--many of us are simply doing the best we can--and those paths are often very connected to the choices and paths of others.

*a very wise someone recently told me (I'm paraphrasing for he said it much more eloquently): the journey is just a journey, but the real issue is whether or not the journey has heart. I absolutely loved that. 

Along my journey, I found a peace for which I'd been desperately searching; I found it as I allowed myself to just be. I live every day in deep-felt gratitude of this fact. I realize that my personality and life has many different shades. My hope is that we can focus on the whole person of another, lay aside judgments, and make our own life a refuge of peace for those who are struggling to find their own.

Identity

In one of my classes we've been discussing, among other things, identities. To some degree, our identity is always being stretched, pulled, redefined and challenged. That's just part of being in this thing called life. This discussion has caused me to think in terms of my life's journey and the twists, turns, ups, downs, tears and laughter that have brought me to this beautiful present moment. It has taken some time to come to terms with myself. Years actually. After I allowed myself to be at peace with me, it has taken me some time to come to terms with the fact that some people now see me in a somewhat tainted light. I knew it would happen, I warned myself to prepare for such a thought, but yet I was unprepared for how I'd feel. I harbor no ill will, but still I hope....

I remembered a piece I had written a few years ago. I'll post it below. Writing has played an integral role in my inner dialogue on the topic of identity. My journey of self-identity has also made me more deeply aware of the ways in which I form my opinions of others. I hope I'm becoming more loving. I hope I'm becoming more tolerant. I sincerely hope I'm becoming more compassionate. I hope we learn to cut ourselves and each other a little slack--or a lot of slack. Whether we live in New York, Louisville, London, or Beijing, we're all in this together. Really.

One Thing Among Many

(2011)

I like me; I won’t lie. I think I’m funny as hell. I love my sarcastic soul.

I get lost in music.

I love to laugh.

I've been drinking coffee since I was two.

I’m a fighter.

I’m loyal.

When my family or friends are attacked, a fury rises up within me; 

Do not pick on the ones I hold dear—they are my world.

My eyes are blue.

My hair is short.

I’m a lefty.

I keep a wall around my heart. Few get in. It takes time to truly get to know me.

Charlie Brown and Snoopy are the greatest.

I love the outdoors. Fresh air is good for the soul.

I love cigars and wine.

I love to talk—to anyone about anything. There’s so much we can learn from each other.

I’m a good listener.

I’m a nerd.

I believe that dreams do come true.

I love my life. It is this grand adventure full of highs and lows; 

it is my own journey that no one else can live.

I love learning from those who hold a different point of view than mine.

Peanut Butter & Jelly is the best sandwich ever invented.

I’m a book-lover; 

many hours past bedtime were spent with the moon as my nightlight.

I love to watch TV with my dad.

I have a temper and a two broken toes to prove it.

I play piano.

Some of my favorite childhood memories are of cutting wood with my dad and grandpa.

I love languages and cultures; dialogue is a beautiful art.

My dad is my hero. He has the kindest soul I have ever known.

I love tattoos.

My mom is my inspiration to go after what I want in this life: don’t let anyone tell you what you can’t do.

I’m overly optimistic.

I love to travel. 

I am gay.

Imperfect and wonderful

While at work this weekend, some random fellow came into the cafe wearing a New York shirt. This wasn't your average touristy type shirt, so I thought he might actually be from the city. Turns out he wasn't; turns out he's not too fond of the city, turns out he wonders why anyone would ever want to live there. "It's not a perfect city, ya know." This was not meant to be a question but a fact. I assured him that I was aware of this surprising new development and I told him our basic reasons--we want to live, work and raise a family in a city that offers so much diversity, cultural exposure, and wonder. I cannot wait; he was less than convinced. 

 

It has never dawned on me to look for a perfect city. Silly me. I've just been looking for a place to work, live, laugh and love....all that pursuit of happiness hoopla.  If there were a perfect city, I'd screw it up once I signed the lease. Sorry about your luck, New York, but we're on our way.

Life's not perfect, cities aren't perfect, relationships aren't perfect, people aren't perfect...this I know full well. But we're human and this is the human experience and even with all of it's dark spots and miseries it can become something beautiful. It's not a perfect city, ya know. Yeah, I know, but thanks for reminding me and renewing my excitement, because it's soon be our imperfect city...or perhaps better yet, we'll be its imperfect dwellers.

first page of a final chapter

It is an odd feeling to know that my final semester begins tomorrow. I've been trying to let this sink in. In a way, it's like starting the first page of a final chapter. New York is waiting patiently for us [16 weeks in the future] as the first chapter of a volume two and I believe it will be quite the sequel. 

My challenge for these next weeks of study is to stay in the present. Words are not sufficient to express our excitement concerning our future plans, but to live too far in the future would be to waste the lessons I still have left to learn here. To grasp towards the future is to miss out on an awful lot of living right here, right now.

A fulfillment of a dream doesn't come along everyday, so this is one I want to stay completely and utterly awake for.

Namaste

my bench

At first glance this bench is nothing special. There are quite possibly hundreds like it on this very campus, but this one holds a memory for me that is not easily forgotten.

Today, I took a break from wrestling with financial aid (an activity I will not miss) and visited my bench. Two years ago, I hesitantly forced myself to explore the campus I would soon be attending. I had only been here once before that chilly spring day and I'm not ashamed to say that I was greatly intimidated. On that day of forced exploration, while sitting on this very bench, I made a promise to myself. I would finish my degree no matter how intimidated I felt. Being long past the average college age, I knew that this wouldn't be the easiest goal in the world, but I knew that I must do this...for myself.

Today, I am staring at my last semester, one final burst of energy is all that is needed before I move to NYC with the Love I now call home and we continue our beautiful life together. As I sat on my bench to reflect, I realized that I am growing tired of essays, 2am bedtimes and final exams, but I can see the bright light of my tunnel coming into focus. I am almost there; what an incredibly breathtaking journey it has been. Laying the morbid thought of school debt aside, (that is rant for another day) I will have accomplished something I would not have believed I was capable of accomplishing ten years ago. I am ever grateful for this journey and the strength and peace I have found  inside along the way.

A Monumental Week

June 26, 2013. Many events in history seem to become monumental in hindsight; it's only in the looking back that we are able to say, wow! Only in the looking back are we able to see how life changed, for better or for worse, due to such events. This week's events happened in a way that required no such hindsight for their wow-ness factor; in hindsight, the events of this week will only continue to be more beautiful as the tapestry of an [ever growing] enlightened humanity becomes more brilliantly colored.

I could not be more thrilled about Wednesday's decisions and what they really and truly mean for us personally, but I believe the ripples of goodness stretch far, far beyond what we are likely to realize presently. (but the Voters' Rights decision is still a bit mind-boggling to me!) At the end of the day, I am thrilled for our entire nation--those who continue the fight for equality and those who are still adamantly against it. Whether they ever see the rightness of the decisions made, equality, fairness and justness are good for the health of our nation as a whole--including those who oppose. President Obama's response was fitting: "When all Americans are treated as equal, no matter who they are or whom they love, we are all more free." The health and peace of a nation--of all humanity--depends on such things as equality and fairness.

Our Constitution's Preamble states: We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America. We are still far from the perfect Union, but when we throw a bit more equality for all into the mix, we have indeed stepped closer.

Ciao & Namaste.

Personally, the thought of being six short months away from a life in New York where our marriage will be legally recognized on the state and federal level makes my soul do a little happy dance.

The process

With a move six months on the horizon, I've been contemplating my months years in Louisville. A two day ride on a greyhound bus brought me back from Spokane and I still recall the apprehension I felt in the darkness of that long ride. The thought of my family brought a smile, but beyond this, I had absolutely no idea what I was doing or going to do. My only plan was to find a plan.

Oddly enough, the plan that landed in my lap became the source of some of my highest moments as well as my lowest. During these years, I experienced the very best of human kindness and felt the horrendous blow of corrupted power. I grew in personal confidence, but I also saw my own flaws flare like fireworks on the Fourth of July. I viewed life from the mountain top and slammed rock bottom as quick as a flash. What threatened to crush me pointed me in the direction of my greatest happiness and fulfillment. Funny how that works.

It has taken me a while to reach this point, but I am grateful. I am grateful for the process--the painfully slow, torturing process we call life. My life is nothing like it was ten years ago, but I am who I am today because of everything I've experienced. It is part of my story--my voice. The process has carved out more of my true self, the self that always seemed to be inside, waiting patiently, but craving to breath fresh air.

Over the top of my computer screen, I see this Love I now call home. Yeah...you better believe I'm grateful.

the beginning

A new stage of the journey calls. Sometimes life reaches a plateau; it is up to you to decide if that plateau is to be home or if it is a sign to make a move. In my case--in our case--it is a sign to make that move.

My ever beautiful life took an extraordinarily ecstatic turn a few years ago. Not only did I meet the love of my life, but I also became absolutely and irrevocably alive. Sappy, maybe, but I was most assuredly blindsided by this love I now call home. If you are ever so lucky as to meet her and feel her heart, her energy and her love for humanity, you'll know that she is quite a force to be reckoned with; trust me, you'll never be the same.

Our passions in life are quite similar with different twists and quirks here and there. Our heart is set on peace and helping souls from differing cultures and backgrounds learn to listen, understand, and communicate with each other in order to create the safe and respectful dialogue that is needed for this peace.Everyone has a story, a journey, a series of events that make up who they are today, and people need to know that someone is listening to their unique story--their voice.

What does this have to do with eight million plus two? I'm so glad you finally asked! We are in the process of moving to the land of New York City. I'll finish my degree in December and we will trek to the North that is calling. She will finish her degree in NYC and we will live, work, play and love in the city of 800 languages. (For accuracy's sake, NYC currently has 8.4 million, but eight point four million plus two seemed a little too mathematical to me.)

So, we have six months to plan, to work, to finish school, to save, to pack and to see any of you who want to see us before we leave. I hold such deep gratitude for my life and my beautiful family and friends; this new level of happiness, peace and contentment with the Love I now call home is beyond belief and has taken my gratefulness to new heights. 

Ciao!