Peace with me--peace to you.

I always get a bit sappy and thought-ful this time of year. I admit it. You know, it took some time to come to terms with myself. Years actually. After I allowed myself to be at peace with me, it has taken me some time to come to terms with the fact that some people now see me in a somewhat tainted light. I knew it would happen, I warned myself to prepare for it, so I wasn't surprised, but still, it disappoints me--and if I'm honest--hurts a bit to think of it.

I have no real reason to be shocked by this for I've spent more years than I care to remember standing in judgment of others. Others' choices, others' hardships, others' viewpoints, others' journeys, others' lives. Of course, I didn't call it judgment, but strip away the niceties and that's what it was. Actually, my judgmental attitude only became clear to me as I allowed myself to be at peace with me. Almost as if I had used my judgment of others to make myself feel better about myself--it was my defense mechanism.

 Of course I still catch myself in judgment, much to my shame, but I am deeply aware of this human tendency within me. I am deeply aware of my own flaws that make me lash out at someone else's journey. I am also deeply familiar with the pointing of fingers while desperately trying to hold my own life together, hoping no one notices the look of panic behind my eyes. I lived much of my life in just such a state; exchanging this for true empathy and compassion is how I wish to live out the rest of my days.

I wish we could all learn to cut ourselves and each other a little slack--no, a lot of slack. We often act like this life is a competition, but we don't stop to consider that we are all connected. All of us--whether we like it or not. There really is no them in this thing called life. Whether we live in New York, Louisville, Baghdad (the one in Kentucky or Iraq!) or Beijing, our choices and paths aren't always clearly marked--many of us are simply doing the best we can--and those paths are often very connected to the choices and paths of others.

*a very wise someone recently told me (I'm paraphrasing for he said it much more eloquently): the journey is just a journey, but the real issue is whether or not the journey has heart. I absolutely loved that. 

Along my journey, I found a peace for which I'd been desperately searching; I found it as I allowed myself to just be. I live every day in deep-felt gratitude of this fact. I realize that my personality and life has many different shades. My hope is that we can focus on the whole person of another, lay aside judgments, and make our own life a refuge of peace for those who are struggling to find their own.

The process

With a move six months on the horizon, I've been contemplating my months years in Louisville. A two day ride on a greyhound bus brought me back from Spokane and I still recall the apprehension I felt in the darkness of that long ride. The thought of my family brought a smile, but beyond this, I had absolutely no idea what I was doing or going to do. My only plan was to find a plan.

Oddly enough, the plan that landed in my lap became the source of some of my highest moments as well as my lowest. During these years, I experienced the very best of human kindness and felt the horrendous blow of corrupted power. I grew in personal confidence, but I also saw my own flaws flare like fireworks on the Fourth of July. I viewed life from the mountain top and slammed rock bottom as quick as a flash. What threatened to crush me pointed me in the direction of my greatest happiness and fulfillment. Funny how that works.

It has taken me a while to reach this point, but I am grateful. I am grateful for the process--the painfully slow, torturing process we call life. My life is nothing like it was ten years ago, but I am who I am today because of everything I've experienced. It is part of my story--my voice. The process has carved out more of my true self, the self that always seemed to be inside, waiting patiently, but craving to breath fresh air.

Over the top of my computer screen, I see this Love I now call home. Yeah...you better believe I'm grateful.